The Hidden Face of Economic Abuse

The Hidden Face of Economic Abuse: When Money Becomes a Tool of Control

Not all abuse shouts.
Some of it whispers — through silence, guilt, and "helpfulness."
Covert psychological abuse and economic control often appear caring or practical on the surface, but underneath they strip the victim of autonomy, confidence, and independence.

Economic abuse is one of the most insidious forms of domestic or relational violence because it hides behind the illusion of stability: "I'm just helping you," "I'll handle the bills," "You don't need to worry about money."

What Is Economic Abuse?

Economic abuse happens when one person controls, exploits, or restricts another's access to financial resources, thereby creating dependency and limiting freedom.
It's rarely about money itself — it's about power.

It can take direct forms (taking the victim's income, hiding assets, restricting spending) or subtle, manipulative ones — discouraging work, sabotaging financial opportunities, or using "help" as a method of control.

Concrete real-life examples — how covert economic control plays out (and why it's so toxic)

Below are short, vivid, realistic scenes that show how covert psychological abuse becomes economic control. Each scene ends with a quick note on what the abuser is accomplishing and a practical step the victim can take right away.

The finances "manager" in a couple

Scene:
"Don't worry about the bills — I'll handle everything," Tom tells Ana when they move in together. He moves Ana's salary into the joint account and says he'll pay all household costs. When Ana asks about opening a personal savings account, Tom says, "Why would you need that? I can keep you covered." Later, Ana finds that she needs permission to buy a bus ticket for a job interview: "Do you really need to go? We don't have room in the budget."

What the abuser achieves: gradual loss of financial autonomy; decisions that should be Ana's are filtered through Tom; Ana begins to doubt whether she can manage money at all.
Practical step: open a personal bank account (even a basic one), start small direct deposits (if possible), and keep at least a small emergency stash in cash somewhere safe.

The "helpful" password grab

Scene:
"Give me your phone for a second, I need to check the group chat," says Mark. While Ana hands it over, Mark watches her type her passcode and later casually tries it when she's asleep. He now checks her messages and the netbank app. When Ana notices, he shrugs: "If you don't want me to worry, don't hide things."

What the abuser achieves: covert surveillance and evidence collection; he builds a record of Ana's private life to use as leverage or guilt. It also communicates that Ana has no private space.
Practical step: change all passcodes and PINs from a secure device, enable biometric locks if possible, set up two-factor auth using a number or app the abuser cannot access. If that's risky, seek tech help from a trusted friend or a domestic violence support line.

The "you won't manage without me" shopping takeover

Scene:
Every time Sara goes to the supermarket, Ben says "I'll go" and returns with everything — even items Sara would normally buy. Later he comments in front of friends: "She always forgets the milk; thank goodness I'm here." Sara feels embarrassed to shop alone and stops going.

What the abuser achieves: erodes Sara's confidence in ordinary tasks; small repeated acts teach dependence.
Practical step: intentionally do one small task alone each week (pay a bill online, buy groceries, refill a prescription) and note the success — rebuild competence in tiny steps.

Sabotage of employment opportunities

Scene:
John applies for a promotion and gets a phone interview scheduled for 2 p.m. His partner, , "needs help with something urgent" at home at that time. George insists John stay. Another time, George "forgets" to wake him up for work, causing absences. After repeated incidents, John loses credibility at work.

What the abuser achieves: removes financial independence by sabotaging job stability; the victim's career and income are undermined without obvious reason.
Practical step: document missed calls, messages, and incidents with dates/times. If possible, arrange for interviews outside the home or ask a trusted colleague to cover or confirm attendance.

The "secret debt" and credit control

Scene:
Marta discovers the couple's joint credit cards are maxed out. Her partner used one to fund an online gambling habit and insists: "It's our debt; we'll pay it together." When Marta suggests they call the bank, he says, "You'll only make things worse if you call." Marta is too ashamed to tell family.

What the abuser achieves: creates financial strain and shame, strips victim of ability to make independent calls to creditors, uses debt as leverage.
Practical step: request a credit report (or ask a trusted ally to get it on your behalf), separate finances, and get free debt advice from a local nonprofit or consumer protection agency.

Emotional coercion via money in friendships

Scene:
Luca borrows €800 from his friend Petra "until next month." Months pass; Luca changes the subject every time Petra asks. When she insists, Luca says, "If you were a true friend you wouldn't pressure me — I'm having a rough time." Petra feels guilty and stops asking, but the debt remains.

What the abuser achieves: exploits empathy to avoid repayment and reframe requests for accountability as betrayal.
Practical step: put repayment terms in writing (text or email), set calendar reminders to follow up, and consider setting a firm boundary: no further loans until current ones are repaid.

Parent controlling adult child through money

Scene:
Mature student Anna's mother insists on collecting Anna's wages "to help manage them." The mother uses the money to pay the mortgage and then "allots" Anna a small weekly amount. When Anna suggests a summer internship, her mother says, "If you leave, who will pay for your tuition?" Anna feels trapped.

What the abuser achieves: keeps the child dependent into adulthood by framing control as protection; stifles personal and career growth.
Practical step: open a bank account in your own name, request payroll be redirected, and collect important documents (ID, diploma, contracts) and store copies somewhere safe outside the home.

Passive-aggressive "reward and punishment" with money at work

Scene:
A manager promises bonuses for meeting targets but only gives them to employees who agree to work unpaid overtime or who stay compliant with unfair requests. A compliant worker gets praise; a worker who asks for boundaries is passed over.

What the abuser achieves: creates economic dependence via selective rewards and punishes dissent; fosters a climate of fear.
Practical step: document promises, emails, and hours worked; seek HR advice or union support; keep personal records of overtime and pay.

How Abusers Create Dependence

Economic abusers build control gradually.
Each step feels justified, even loving — until the victim realizes they no longer have access, confidence, or choices.

1. Restricting Work or Income

"You don't need to work — I'll provide for us."
"You're too stressed; it's better if you stay home."

Soon the victim loses not only income but also self-worth and professional identity.
Dependency is framed as protection.

2. Taking Over Financial Management

"I'll handle the bills, you're not good with numbers."
"It's easier if I keep the passwords."

The abuser gains full access to money, while the victim slowly forgets how to manage daily finances — an intentional erosion of capability.

3. Disguising Control as Help

"Let me carry that bag."
"I'll pay that bill for you."
"No need to go to the bank — I already did."

Each "helpful" act subtly implies incompetence: "You can't even handle small things."
Over time, the victim internalizes this message and becomes passive, dependent, and self-doubting.

How the abuser uses lowered self-esteem to keep control

• Hostile "helpfulness": offering to do tasks repeatedly while implying the victim would fail — the victim internalizes incompetence.
• Public undermining: joking about the victim's "poor financial sense" in front of others to shame and isolate them.
• Gaslighting: denying events ("I never took your card") or reframing facts so the victim doubts reality and avoids taking action.
• Conditional care: money and help are offered only when the victim performs emotionally (e.g., stays, apologizes, or stays silent).

Over time the victim's self-image shifts from "I can" to "I can't," which makes exiting the relationship or asserting independence feel impossible.

The Psychology of Control and Self-Erosion

Abusers maintain dominance through psychological conditioning:

• Constant criticism disguised as advice:

"You always mess up finances."
"You wouldn't survive a week without me."

• Repeated invalidation:
  The victim's decisions are questioned, ridiculed, or overridden.
• Gradual isolation:
  Friends, colleagues, and support networks are dismissed or cut off.

The end result?
The victim develops learned helplessness — believing they truly can't survive or decide alone.

How Economic Abuse Destroys Lives

Emotional consequences:

• Chronic anxiety, shame, and guilt around money.
• Loss of confidence and self-trust.
• Depression and a sense of worthlessness.

Practical consequences:

• Loss of employment — the abuser may sabotage job opportunities ("You're needed at home," "Who will take care of the kids?").
• Financial ruin — debts, lost credit, no savings.
• Complete dependence — the inability to leave even when recognizing the abuse.

The abuser's goal is simple: to make the victim believe they can't survive without them.

Signs to watch for (quick checklist)

• You must ask permission to spend even small amounts.
• Your access to bank accounts, passwords, or documents is denied or monitored.
• You feel ashamed to tell family/friends about money matters.
• You've stopped applying for jobs, turned down promotions, or missed interviews because of the partner/parent's interference.
• The other person monitors and questions every purchase or message.

Breaking Free from Economic Control

1. Recognize it as abuse.
   Control disguised as care is still control.
   Awareness is the first act of resistance.
2. Reclaim autonomy gradually.
• Open a personal bank account.
• Change passwords and PINs.
• Learn basic financial management skills.
3. Seek support.
   Reach out to trusted friends, counselors, or organizations specializing in domestic abuse.
   In the U.S., contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or visit thehotline.org.
4. Rebuild confidence.
   Independence starts in the mind — by unlearning the belief that you are incapable.

Final Reflection

Economic abuse is one of the most underestimated forms of control because it often hides behind the language of care, help, or responsibility.
But true partnership is built on equality and trust — not surveillance, not control, not dependence.

When someone uses money to measure love, restrict freedom, or define another's worth, it's not care. It's possession.

Economic abuse rarely starts with violence. It begins with care, concern, and small favors.
But beneath the surface lies a message: "You need me. You can't survive without me."

True care empowers — it doesn't confine. And every person deserves relationships where love and money are built on respect, not control.

Books about the topic:

• Domestic Economic Abuse: The Violence of Money by Supriya Singh (2023) — case-study book of 12 women's experiences of economic abuse.
• Understanding and Responding to Economic Abuse by Nicola Sharp-Jeffs (2022) — focused specifically on economic abuse in the UK, policy/practice responses.