Day of the Roses’ Revolution

… because post-traumatic growth does exist. …

(This writing of mine is perfectly capable of disturbing one's peace – if you can't handle that, don't read it. Let it be my excuse that my own peace was quite seriously disturbed by the series of acts of violence I endured in the maternity ward, and I've reached a point where I no longer feel like silently enduring what hurts…)

A little background information for those who are not familiar with this day:
The Day of the Roses' Revolution is about protesting obstetric violence, aiming to raise awareness of a neglected form of violence against women. On this day, November 25 (which is also the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women), affected women place roses and messages in front of hospitals and delivery wards to share their trauma and give feedback.
The movement began in Spain in 2011, and the roses symbolize the violence experienced, femininity, and the strength needed for healing.
Goal: To protest obstetric violence – violent interventions that affect the body, soul, and human dignity.
Who participates and how: Women who experienced violence during childbirth leave roses and messages in front of hospitals.
Symbolic meaning: The rose represents the violence endured, and at the same time the strength for healing and recovery.
Date: November 25 – coinciding with the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

Obstetric violence can take many forms, including physical, verbal and emotional violence, the denial of rights (such as lack of consent), and unprofessional care.
Possible forms include:
Physical violence: Improper or unnecessary interventions, such as intentionally "releasing" amniotic fluid – artificial rupture of membranes; interventions to accelerate labor (oxytocin); performing a C-section without medical necessity.
Verbal violence: Misleading, coercion, criticism, hurtful comments, or condemning the birthing process.
Emotional violence: Disrupting the birthing process, neglecting parents, intimidating them, or forcing the birth to take place under inappropriate circumstances.
Denial of rights: Lack of information and lack of consent.

Many years after the birth of my children I first heard of this day, and only now have I reached the point where I join those women who, in one way or another, give voice to the truth that violence against women in maternity care is not acceptable. And that it exists, and that it causes immense harm.

I would now like to send this online to all the doctors and midwives of the Obstetrics Department of the Szent László and Szent István Hospitals in the 9th district of Budapest, because of whom I nearly did not make it home…
In memory of September 20, 2014 – the birth of my third child.

During my earlier births, too, I suffered incidents – which at the time I didn't even understand were wrong – so I'd like to mention those as well:
September 4, 2012
and
December 27, 2010.

Moments that flash back:

• When the midwife manually stretched my cervix, which tore, and afterwards I couldn't sit or stand for 3 weeks – all the while she was belittling me, mocking me, cursing at me. I only realized how wrong this was when I later read Zsuzsa F. Várkonyi's text "Normal Birth Today" – unfortunately far too late for me.

• When, after my first birth, I came home from the "baby-friendly" hospital having been shown how to breastfeed and change a diaper not by staff but by the mother in the neighboring bed – between two fainting spells – while the neonatal nurse scolded me for having a lump in my breast, asking why I wasn't breastfeeding – because I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and there's no one here to support me?! Because my mother cannot return from the afterlife to show me what to do with a one-day-old baby between two fainting spells – and you are not doing your job, instead you humiliate me!!!

• When the doctor attempted an episiotomy – only the scissors were blunt during my second birth…

• When the doctor threw a tantrum in the corner while I was giving birth, complaining about his back pain, and my (now ex-)husband ended up delivering the baby while the midwife did the episiotomy…

• When I indicated beforehand that I wanted an alternative birth, and then between two contractions the doctor announced how stupid he thought that was and that it was out of the question… (as if this couldn't have occurred to him earlier…)

• When my contractions stopped with my baby's head already in the birth canal because the doctor stormed in shouting, "Alright, now we're giving birth!" – even though the midwife had already begun the delivery and everything was progressing naturally. And when the midwife, clearly worried, told the doctor, "Since you came in, all the contractions have stopped…" (truly: like an elephant in a china shop…), and in my mind I'm thinking: for fck's sake, we're going to die here, and if the contractions don't come back, this idiot will wheel me off to a C-section or who knows what…

• When the doctor was stitching up my vagina after the episiotomy (and of course I had to arrange my body so his back wouldn't hurt…), and meanwhile he rubbed his erect penis against my thigh; while my newborn was taken away to be weighed…

After my third birth the doctor refused to accept the gratuity – that's when I truly realized how serious the situation had been. The midwife told me she no longer wished to deliver births with this doctor. And they discharged me from the hospital without anyone examining me, even though my episiotomy wound was inflamed – a cut the midwife had made instead of the whining, back-aching Doctor because (clearly) my pain and life didn't matter…

And meanwhile I keep thinking: should I dare to publicly name the "professionals" who made the experience of giving birth hell for me, or if I write their names, will I be dragged through the mud for violating their personal rights, while they trampled all over mine…

After my third birth I began a journey of self-knowledge. Approximately 1,500 hours of self-work and personal psychotherapy are behind me. Some methods simply could not reach the trauma I suffered there. Body-psychotherapy helped the most – which in Hungary is still considered "quackery" (at least according to some clinical psychologists – who, by the way, charge very high fees for their very low-efficacy, outdated methods)… The interventions described above, however, are considered legal medical procedures… Ahem… My apologies – and as always: if the shoe doesn't fit, don't take it out of the closet.

I am deeply grateful to my trainers, Krisztina Juhász and Éva Institoris, body-psychotherapists, who supported the body-psychotherapy process during which the trauma stored in my soul and body "opened." They accompanied every scream, every movement, every tear with infinite respect, acceptance, and expertise… And they continue to accompany me with love, respect, support, and knowledge. I am grateful for that.

I could write more, but I'll end my lines here.

With respect to all who deserve it:
Szilvia Tünde Sebestyén
Mother of 3
Economist – HR and Organizational Leadership specialization
Psychologist – Adult Clinical and Health Psychology specialization –– I began the so-called behavior-analysis program (essentially higher-level math and statistics courses) one year after the third birth of my third child… For me, as someone pursuing a second degree, the first three years of the program were, in net terms, awaste of time and money.
Coach
Trainer
Family constellation facilitator
Integrative body-psychotherapist in supervisory phase

… because post-traumatic growth does exist. …