Psychological Games at Holidays

Psychological Games at Christmas and During the Holidays — And How to Deal with Them 

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, warmth, and connection. Yet for many individuals and families, Christmas and year-end celebrations can reignite unresolved interpersonal dynamics and emotional stressors. Among these are psychological games — subtle or overt patterns of interaction that can undermine well-being, trigger anxiety, and diminish the quality of relationships.

Understanding these dynamics is a first step toward healthier holiday experiences. Below, we explore common psychological games, distinguish between open and hidden emotional abuse, offer specific examples, and provide practical guidance for navigating these challenges.

What Are Psychological Games?

Psychological games, as originally discussed in transactional analysis (Eric Berne, Games People Play, 1964), refer to repetitive patterns of interaction with predictable emotional payoffs — often negative. These "games" are not playful; rather, they are unconscious strategies individuals use to obtain psychological validation, avoid vulnerability, or maintain control.

During the holidays, when expectations for harmony and togetherness are high, these patterns can become more pronounced.

Open vs. Hidden Emotional Abuse

Open emotional abuse involves explicit behaviors that are easily recognized as hurtful or manipulative. This can include overt criticism, derogatory jokes, or deliberately hurtful actions.

Hidden emotional abuse is more covert. It may involve passive-aggressive behaviors, subtle undermining, withholding affection, or patterns of neglect masked as "accidents" or "misunderstandings."

Both forms can erode self-esteem and emotional safety, especially in close relationships.

Examples of Holiday Psychological Games

1. The 'Intentional Bad Gift' Game

Scenario: A relative knowingly gives a gift they are certain the recipient will dislike.

Dynamics:

• Open or hidden? Often hidden: the giver may mask the act as humor or "a joke."
• Psychological payoff: The giver may be expressing resentment, testing the recipient's reaction, or maintaining a perceived upper hand in the relationship.

Impact: The recipient may feel disregarded, judged, or undervalued, leading to tension that distracts from the holiday experience.

2. The 'Accidental Forgetting' Pattern

Scenario: A family member repeatedly "forgets" important holiday tasks or commitments — like picking up a child from an event, bringing a requested dish, or acknowledging a milestone.

Dynamics:

• Open or hidden? Hidden; ostensibly unintentional but potentially patterned.
• Psychological payoff: Passive resistance, avoidance of responsibility, or a way to exert control by setting others up for frustration.

Impact: Repeated forgetfulness can generate feelings of chaos, stress, or resentment among others who carry the emotional or logistical burden.

3. The 'Silent Critic' Technique

Scenario: A partner or relative remains silent, offering no praise, emotional support, or acknowledgment, while sharply criticizing preparations or choices.

Dynamics:

• Open or hidden? Can be both. Overt criticism is open; silent withdrawal is hidden.
• Psychological payoff: The silent critic may be managing their own discomfort with intimacy, asserting dominance, or deflecting attention from their own vulnerabilities.

Impact: Silence coupled with criticism often creates anxiety and self-doubt in the recipient. It can freeze interpersonal communication and escalate conflict.

Why Do These Games Intensify During the Holidays?

Several contextual factors contribute:

• Heightened expectations: Societal narratives about perfect holidays can increase pressure and amplify disappointment.
• Family history: Longstanding patterns of interaction re-emerge in familiar social contexts.
• Stress and fatigue: Logistical and emotional demands can lower patience and increase reactivity.
• Unresolved boundaries: Proximity and obligation may blur personal boundaries, making avoidance difficult.

Practical Strategies for Coping

1. Awareness and Naming

Recognize patterns without judgment. Simply naming a behavior ("I notice this gift doesn't align with your preferences") can de-escalate unconscious games.

2. Clarify Expectations

Before gatherings, discuss roles, responsibilities, and preferences. Clear communication reduces ambiguity — a fertile ground for psychological games.

3. Assertive Boundaries

Establish and articulate what is acceptable. This may include limiting contact with individuals who repeatedly engage in harmful behavior.

4. Emotional Regulation Skills

Practices such as mindfulness, breath work, or reframing can help individuals respond rather than react in tense situations.

5. Seek Support

Therapeutic support — whether one-on-one or in group settings — can provide tools for managing long-standing interpersonal challenges.

Recommended Reading

The topic of psychological games and emotional dynamics has been explored in both foundational and contemporary literature:

• Eric Berne — Games People Play
  A classic in transactional analysis that identifies common interpersonal games and their payoffs.
• Alice Miller — The Drama of the Gifted Child
  Explores how early relational patterns influence adult emotional life.
• Susan Forward — Emotional Blackmail
  Focuses on manipulative interpersonal strategies and how to resist coercive relationships.
• Harriet Lerner — The Dance of Anger
  Examines how emotional expression and avoidance affect intimate relationships.

These works offer valuable frameworks for understanding the dynamics described above. However, self-education is not a substitute for individualized therapeutic guidance.

When to Consult a Specialist

If holiday interactions consistently lead to:

• Persistent anxiety, depression, or withdrawal
• Cycles of conflict that resist change
• Feelings of hopelessness or emotional exhaustion
• Patterns that replicate outside of holiday contexts

…it may be beneficial to consult a mental health professional or coach. A specialist can help identify underlying patterns, support boundary development, and guide sustainable relational change.

Conclusion

Psychological games and emotional abuse — whether open or hidden — can transform holiday gatherings from celebrations into arenas of stress. By cultivating awareness, fostering clear communication, and seeking appropriate support, individuals can reduce the impact of these dynamics and cultivate more authentic, fulfilling relationships.

The holidays need not be defined by old patterns. With insight, preparation, and compassionate boundaries, it is possible to create emotional safety and meaningful connection.